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I'm with you, whenever you tell my story

12th April, 2011. 5:27 pm.

My mother can go jump off a god damned building for all I care at this point. The woman is beyond help at this point. I don't think she's been sober since she lost her job and everytime I try to talk to her, she hurls the conversation back as me.

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18th October, 2010. 1:35 pm.

I am putting my mental health over my homework right now, probably not a great idea considering my homework is piling up, but I need some reprieve. My trip to Montreal was fantastic, beautiful, and fun; it's the coming home that is hard. I have to come home to work and school and bills and this crushing life that seems to become less manageable each and every day.

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4th June, 2010. 11:32 am.

I'm in a funk I can't get out of. Erics only been gone for two days and i'm already settling back into this major depressive mood. I've been trying to get out as much as possible, do things that make me happy, but nothing works. As soon as i'm alone it's like my world is ending. I really want to try working out but every time I do I just make myself sick and stop. But really that's just an excuse, maybe. The people I really want to see are never free, and the one who makes time for me sucks. I know i'm lucky to have anything at all, anyone willing to see me, but knowing and feeling are just two different entities.

UGH.

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16th May, 2010. 1:32 am.

So basically the same thing happened to Emily tonight that happened to me last night. All she wanted to do was go out and party and have a good time, but all Tyler and I wanted to do was hang out and chill, except she completely disregarded Tyler's and my feelings and made me feel like a complete asshole for being stressed out and not wanting to go out with her.

...Ouch.

She has never been that bitchy before and I know exactly how she felt, but I would never make her feel like shit just because I wanted to go out and she didn't. Seriously uncool.
Not only that, but when I tried to explain and apologize, she wouldn't talk to me, granted it was over a text.

I deserve an apology. No friend should intentionally ignore another's feelings, especially when their friend is really uncomfortable. :(

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15th May, 2010. 12:37 am.

Go figure the ONE night I get off from Maxim I spend bored out of my mind for three hours. Grrrrr

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27th April, 2010. 4:32 pm.

Josh went around a blabbed to everyone what we did. I'm not surprised, but I'm disappointed.

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25th April, 2010. 4:01 am.

This new job is hard only because I never know what could go wrong next. Last night I nearly lost my work phone on the dance floor and had a heart attack. I need to somehow remind myself that I'm allowed to fuck up now and again. I'm well aware that I'm only human, now I just need to convince myself to embrace my flaws. And the fact that I'm a real asshole.

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14th April, 2010. 12:13 am.

So I went crazy last night. Full out bonkers and I didn't snap out of it until this morning when a very concerned Emily and Ben showed up to talk. I reached this point where the logical part of my brain was warring with the emotional side and they just wanted to destroy one another. I've realized so many of my issues stem from poor self esteem and Allen has suggested therapy, at least a few sessions to talk about how I developed this crushing self depreciation: talking to him has really saved me though. He is so understanding and patient. I really found someone special in him

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10th April, 2010. 12:15 am.

I've been pretty good about my resolution not to drink more than casually since that awful night. I had drinks with Emily one night while watching a movie and the other night Emily, Hilchey, and I went up to my camp for drinks and a bonfire. I had about... five? smirnoffs and six really is my limit if i'm not eating. So I got tipsy enough to start dancing, too tipsy to drive, but not drunk enough to do anything stupid really. It was a good night and I knew I was a third wheel but I didn't mind. We all danced, actually. And when Hilchey got tired the three of us curled up in that damn bed and cuddled with Hilchey in the middle. It was... weird, but not entirely uncomfortable.

I woke up with Hilchey wrapped around me with his back to Emily. Now i'm assuming he just generally sleeps on his left side and that's why he was cuddling with me and not Emily but I was still content enough not to move to grab more blankets despite the fact that Emily was hogging them all. I was content until he poked me with his dick through his jeans and then I just started giggling and grabbed more blankets, temporarily waking him up, but he just cuddled back next to me and started snoring.

Emily and I talked about it a bit the next day and decided it was an awesome night and we should do it again. It still feels a bit ...odd in my mind but I can't really place why. I guess it felt more threesome-y than three friends sharing a bed (Hannafordcest - menage-a-Hannaford) , but I think that's because I don't know Tyler as well as Emily and I know they're into each other. Thank God they didn't try to fuck next to me. Oh lawd.

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30th March, 2010. 4:01 am.

I'm pretty sure I just went an hour and a half over my minutes for this month. My bill is going to be roughly 130 dollars if thats true. Rawr. Stupid Craig. He just wanted me to call him to talk about his night and it just ballooned into this massive conversation about everything in his life. I probably talked about 10% of the time we were on the phone. I'll have to tell him to pay up with his mad Domino's moolah.

I want to be angry but i'm too tired.

Other than that, I'm really tired of being the ugly friend. I've been the ugly friend for years and i'm just really fucking tired of it, however having more guys hit on me would just probably complicate my already messed up relationship, so maybe it's a blessing. Either way it's annoying.

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